yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
