Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
