don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
