I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
