I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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