Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
