3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
