I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
