It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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