Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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