u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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