why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
