we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
