things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
