Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
