I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
