come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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