Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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