i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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