I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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