So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
