hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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