I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
