So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just found a bag of teeth...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize