I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
