i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
