she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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