I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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