Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
