ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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