Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize