I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize