lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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