I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
