I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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