Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
