she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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