the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Still dying that you shit outside
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
