just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
