You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
