if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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