There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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