I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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