I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
