remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
