I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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