I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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