So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
