I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
