Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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