Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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