I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
