Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
