Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
