At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
